Monday, December 28, 2009

[ 28122009 10.36am | struggles ]

if you wonder why my blog is silent, its because i've been going through some internal struggles.
and me being me... i rather keep silent than splash it out here.
suffice it to say that things are falling into place by themselves.
its interesting, i'd say that i create my destiny, if i want something, i'd do everything in my power to get it, but at the same time, i'm a firm believer in 'meant to be'.
i never really let it go though...
na de qi fang de xia. after you strive so hard for something, how do you just let go ?
keeping options open. what lengths will you go to in order not to burn bridges.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

[ 19122009 4.42pm | i just woke up TT" ]

check out my "nice" look on http://www.pmsasterisk.blogspot.com/
it still looks pretty.. "naughty" to me though. LOL! things you do at photoshoots.
***
its a mass wedding month for me. i think i'm attending about 5?
the one i'm going to tonight is my church friends'. i've known him since we were kids... and i used to make him cry all the time by chasing him around with grasshoppers.
i'm so horrible.

Friday, December 18, 2009

[ 18122009 1.45am | grrrR. ]

today is a happening day. Somehow the work hours passed mega fast... And before I knew it I was on the bus home.
Yeah!!! I actually took a bus home today! How amazing is that.
Partly cos I had nothing to rush back for, for once.
My dad has decided to cut off my net at 1am everynight in an attempt to make me sleep more.
Its good... And bad... But... Mostly bad I guess.
Anyhow he's my dad and I «3 him.
So ya.
***
And... I think a lot of you have asked me this question -
Why did u go back to competitive?
Well... Its a combination of being psychoed by cyn, and being psychoed by dawn.
Cyn says : if I get a ticket back, you're playing last.
Dawn says : if you don't help me, I cannot keep the team going.
And somehow... A lot of things seem to be falling into place after I came back...
So even though I do need a break... BADLY... To sort out my life and stuff...
I guess the time is not now.
But certain decisions will still have to be made... Just perhaps with different reasons.
So... Hmm.
I'm back..?
(How tiresome)
But I «3 the girls... And I guess I've worked too hard to just let it go.
I still remember the days when it was just dawn and shan and I.
Then it was dawn and I for the longest most painful time.
And then we are here.
Lol.
Life is strange.
I'm looking forward to seeing what else it has in store for me.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

[ 15122009 2.33am | flu-ed fish ]

I am somehow down with flu again, and I've been sleeping on and off since getting back home from work/doctors. Zz. Which means... My sleeping time is all messed up again!!!
So that explains why I'm alive at this time I guess?

I've been contemplating many situations, but one common theme - interpersonal dynamics.
It surprises me that I actually am perceptive enough to grasp a lot of subtleties.
I never thought of myself as being... Sensitive to these things?
Many times, I don't consciously know it, I just react. Its only when I put it into words (nope, not gossip) that I really realise... 'Woah... How did I know all that? The whole situation suddenly makes so much sense now that I've put it down in words!"
I've been attempting to proceed with more calculated responses... Even though I do find it necessary to dish out my exceedingly blunt side to some unsuspecting soul.
But really... I've been scaring myself with some gems of wisdom that drop out of my mouth.
Is this something that comes with growing older?
If it is, then its another reason why I like adding years to my age.
=D

The other day... I was mega emofied.
I went to the wash room - its outside the office, behind the lifts.
So there's this perma mynah nest at the lift area. They're very reproductive.
When I came out of the wash room, I saw 2 mynahs standing on the floor, and they didn't move when I got closer.
I realised their attention was on this patch on the floor!!!
One of their sky blue eggs somehow fell out of the nest and shell shards and very very orange yolk was in this sad splattered puddle.
So emo. They were so sad... Looking at their ex-child-to-be.
EMO.
After that cannot concentrate on work already.

Monday, December 14, 2009

The more i seek you,
the more i find you
The more i find you,
the more i love you

I wanna sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breathe, feel your heart beat...
This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace,
it's overwhelming
its the 11th day of christmas, and Asterisk* is posting one photoshoot pic a day til day 0!
if you've missed out the previous few pics, its not too late to catch up now =)

http://pmsasterisk.blogspot.com/2009/12/christmas-with-pms-asterisk.html

Monday, December 07, 2009

[ 07122009 6.53pm | another pic ]


kimchi, dawn, shizuma, me, eliza, cyn

Posted by Picasa

Sunday, December 06, 2009

[ 06122009 3.30pm | song,again. ]

"And baby, maybe I
Don't say it as often as I should
But I really want it to be heard
When I say 'I love you' that's for good..."
The songs I used to listen to on 98.7 gradually made their way to class 95, and now they're on gold 90fm.
I think this one is dakota moon - a promise I make?
***
Sexyfats! You're one of my rare eloquent, expressive readers. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
In many ways I consider myself fortunate. What I/we have today is a combination of hard work, luck, and a good working partner.
This does feel like a post on the pink zinic site... Which I will post up later - on why female gamers are not rich.
I'm on my bb now, so I'll probably elaborate and thank fats more later.
^^
Ta~

[EDIT]
here's the pinkzinic article as promised
its all about us females, having fun doing what we love.
it IS that simple.

"to be recognised for something you have fun doing, and then be envied for it."
thats the line from fats that struck me the most.
and trying to edit a post i already posted is making me seem very disjointed.
lol!

Friday, December 04, 2009

[ 04122009 1.30pm | kuroky. ]

why i support kuroky.
1) he is humble
not only are his blog and replies well reasoned, he's also ready to admit that there are better players than him, unlike some other well known players.
he's patient with the trolls, and doesnt lapse into bm-ing mode with them.
other than that, quite a few people hold the opinion that he's the only one on the team who improved with every game, who learnt from his mistakes and made changes to his playing as the game went on.

2) there are many reasons why a player chooses to leave the team, why a player chooses to stay in a team. most are selfish reasons. but then again, who isnt selfish? and who are we to judge when we don't know the internal struggles/situation of MYM / Kuroky? its not wrong to take a chance to follow the path which might lead you to your dream. there are lots of things that i would do to get what i want, and i'm sure you would compromise yourself in many ways to get what YOU want too.
and hey, i'm sure its not a new concept that teams borrow players to play as last for a competition. i have no idea which hole you're hiding in if you haven't realised this. maybe MYM was the one using kuroky cos mym thinks they have a better chance with him in the line up? 

3) i want him to pwn EU dota. So i'll support him til he does! if that day never comes, then i guess i'll just support him for life! unless he becomes some stuck up fker or the like.

4) he put our team name next to his (ex)team name
free publicity or? =)

oh... you don't know what i'm talking about? read his blog then :
http://kuroky-kky.blogspot.com/
or the mym post
http://www.mymym.com/en/en/news/17280.html?c=1

and oh yeah... your dp really suits you. bimbotic bitch inside and out, aren't you? lets see if you live up to your talk.

Thursday, December 03, 2009

[ 03122009 3.21am | more peeks ]

eliza and i. feel the love!



me trying to do a sparkling eyes shot.


on the smm stage after drawing group C. EEK.


sitting on the stage for a photographer.
kimchi, cyn, eliza, me, dawn


terrence and i. visit him (Mr.Bue) and Sn4k3y at gosugamers!
the next few photos are from him too. thanks lots!


a solo shot of me. its nice cos its so overexposed. =x


Shawn and i


anyone watch/read Claymore?
i look a little like the abyssmal one of the west - Riful.
(k... maybe i flatter myself...)

in game vs MYM.

Monday, November 30, 2009

[ 30112009 12.02pm | SMM 2009 ]

i am actually uploading SMM pics very early!!
SMM 09 was held at A'Famosa Resort in Melaka, Malaysia, and MANY MANY international teams came down for it - china sent 3-4 teams, including last year's champs EHOME, Philippines sent Mineski, Denmark send MYM (woot woot), and Canada sent Pokeridols.
i look terrible in many of the pics... ( i have yet to perfect the "take self pic" positioning) but what the heck. it was a GOOD trip, and i want to share the joy with you all!
and i just wanna tell our sponsors and supporters : 
PMS|Asterisk* loves YOU!



me + cyn at the dining area at Afamosa cowboy town.




this was during the blackout - on friday. i managed to sneak a pic of the XtC boys having fun with each other
cyn's ever-ready to be snapped.

 
thats Ant. he's posing.


thats Ant again. he's not posing.


me + shawn ho, local MYM rep.

 
EHOME's manager Penny + me.
he likes to make funny faces and he's quite zi lian! lol... =x


me + CBing


the SMM stage + audience area


close up of the smm stage backdrop. love the pictures... was the old dota load screen.
you can also see the medals on the left, and the large orc hammer on the right.


kimchi + me at the competition area. thats the backdrop - all the SMM08 pictures on the walls





on the banana truck to the cowboy town from our d'savoy condo.
DANGEROUS MAN! the driver goes over the humps at full speed. thats another block of units behind me.


sGty-FTD's 2009 and SMMm's TT Lim at the dining area
- photo taken by Penny!

team MYM + dawn and i.
Angel, Mania, Kuroky, Pusher, Myself, Miggel, Dawn.


kura + me.


***
oh yes.... do take a look at the video of PMS|Asterisk* vs MYM on mymym.com
http://www.mymym.com/en/coverage/583/97.html
and here are the pics taken by mym's rep Danny89 during the blackout.
its quite funny, because everything's dark, you cannot really aim your camera lens.
so we're off-centre in alot of the pics. but its cute!
http://www.mymym.com/en/coverage/583/61.html

Thursday, November 26, 2009

林宥嘉 - 背影(鬥牛要不要插曲)自製MV

三公分阳光三公分空气
堵在眼前像一面玻璃
挡住了你表情剩下只有脚印
He......
一直向前走走不完距离
一直向后退不出回忆
很高兴有心事帮我困住自己

你头发上淡淡青草香气
变成了风才能和我相遇
你的目光蒸发成云
再下成雨我才能够靠近
感谢我不可以住进你的眼睛
所以才能拥抱你的背影
有再多的遗憾用来牢牢记住
不完美的所有美丽
感谢我不可以拥抱你的背影
所以才能变成你的背影
躲在安静角落不用你回头看
不用珍惜
我怀里所有温暖的空气
变成风也不敢和你相遇
我的心事蒸发成云
再下成雨却舍不得淋湿你
躲在安静角落如果你回头看
不用在意

Friday, November 20, 2009

[ 20112009 2.47pm | a reply ]

Anonymous Dylan said...
You're right. You are not young anymore. You say u are a gamer. u play professionally but when u strip it all down, what are u? The answer=nothing. Why are u so proud of that fact that u guys have fans in thailand when the only reason they are so entranced by u girls are because you wear skirts. They don't even care whether you're good or not, because u guys arent. What's so great about being a professional gamer who doesnt achieve anything? At least your teammates like dawn are already working and married or have kids and a family to raise. I think you should rethink your life. THere's not point in applying so much makeup and attracting 18 year old boys :) Grow up.
12:16 AM
 
i felt that this comment warranted a stand alone post to reply it. simply because i do feel that Dylan has valid points.
so, this is what i want to say to him.
-
Thanks for your concern. this is indeed something i've been giving thought to. i wouldn't say i'm unaccomplished, and i'm curious to know why you seem to think that i don't work.
i have a stable job (which i've held for over 2 years) and a degree to back me up.
i admit that i do not have a family and kids to raise, but that doesnt necessarily mean that those who are raising kids or married are achieving anything special. in fact, they could well be more discontented than i am. also, not everyone's aim in life is to get married and have kids, even though it might be yours, or what you perceive as "right" for me.
i did think about female professional gaming and my conclusion is here : http://pmsasterisk.blogspot.com/2009/11/female-gaming-what-is-it-all-about.html
having fans, for whatever reason, is not something EVERYONE can lay claim to, and it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling to know we're well received - by most -  and i have reason to believe that its not just cos we wear skirts.
also, wearing make up, to girls, is much like styling hair to guys. we/i can't help it if i happen to look pretty young to boot and attract the "wrong" demographic.
that said, i do feel that i'm lacking some things in my life, i am taking steps towards improvement (which, i do not have to share on my public blog)
once again, thank you for your comment.

-
as an aside, dawn pasted me this link about herbivore guys. i think its worth a read - not all men/people have the same outlook and goals in life. http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/asiapcf/06/05/japan.herbivore.men/index.html

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

[ 17112009 5.18pm | decidedlybraindead ]

full day of meetings, a short breather as i wait.
feeling decidedly dark, mildly suicidal and very bm.
save yourselves and stay away from me....

Monday, November 09, 2009

The Cranberries - Dreams

the song, as promised. dead froggies!

Sunday, November 08, 2009

[ 08112009 1.18pm | hurt ]

Well. If you give your heart to someone, its expected, inevitable that it will be damaged in some way.
And perhaps never really returned, definitely not in its original condition.
To expect otherwise is nothing short of being d u m b.
Oh well.
So what inspired those few lines? A song of course. What else.I'll post up a youtube link once I get to a com. Yeah I'm on bb now.
Anyone who knows even a little about me would know that my Razer Morays which are attached to my ipod, are practically welded into my ears.
Then again. It would be so nice to be dumb, to be able to have hope and unconditional optimism, to believe that utopia is a place on earth.
Sad is the life of one who has an overly active mind. A mind with very negative tendencies.
I'm slipping into bm mode again. Woe to anyone, especially pub teammate who decides to ruffle my already very ruffled feathers.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

[ 05112009 11.50pm | headache. ]

I'm lying on my bed suffering from the most awesome feverish headache ever. Its so awesome that I've been forced to take 1000mg of paracetamol.I took some cough syrup to make myself drowsy (and to stop my irritating cough) and a fedac pill for good measure (its supposed to stop my nose from dripping).
Anyhow. That's the run down of my medication. I didn't take the throat one - cos its not unbearably painful.
And I discovered.... That I have a box of paracetamol from my appendectomy. That's 10x10 tablets. And as if the whole box wasn't enough... There's 2 more foil tabs - ie. 2x10 more thrown into the packet as well.
Right... 140 pills of 500mg paracetamol. Enough to last me 2 lifetimes.
I was watching parents with their kids at the clinic... It kinda amazes me to see the tolerance parents have for their kids, and the amount of attachment the kid has for the parent.
Its like... Having a pet.at least, until the kid grows up.
I want a pet. A real pet. Its been a while since my sis has sent muffin and raisin back... And its been an even longer while since I've had an animal to call my own.
***
There is a limit... Sometimes I'm surprised at how high the limit can go.
I wonder if its worth it.
Is it that easy... Hmm.
I wonder if it'll last.
But I guess I'll take it as long as there's a possibility.
People like what's bad for them.
They like it too much. Even though they know they shouldn't.
Zzz
The unending circle, and the first square.
We've come a long way, haven't we.
Let's see what more is in store for us, and what we can make of this from here.
I'm Very Very curious to see what happens.
And... I love it, when I see understanding flood through peoples faces. Its such a nice sight.
Until you deal with the consequences of that 'look of enlightenment'.
Ambiguous post again. Sorry. In my 'head is damn pain and many people read my blog so I cannot be too specific' mode.
The paracetamol seems to have taken effect - I'm sweating under my blankie, which means my fever is subsiding, and my head isn't so excruciating achey.
Still waiting for the cough syrup to knock me out... But I think I won't have much problem falling asleep now that the pain has lessened...
Oh, garena ladder is up. Yay. ^^*

Friday, October 30, 2009

[ 30102009 11.50pm | hellowin ]

I'd like to announce PMSAsterisk* 's new website link : http://www.pmsasterisk.blogspot.com/
Do visit us there for our latest team lineups, profiles and news. Its MUCH neater, and its put together with love. ^^ we're html noobs, so it took some effort!
So enjoy your stay there and drop me/us any feedback you may have.
Happy helloween!
And DO donate to our send a w4ndeRz-to SMM fund! If you have no paypal, we can arrange collection.
our team pic (in pms uniform) is also up on the main mym web page. http://www.mymym.com/en/index.html (awww for those who are too late, the news has become old already... so we're goneeee)
for background information on SMM /SNGDT 09 as well as registered teams, please see http://www.mymym.com/en/news/16817.html

Big thanks to our first 2 donors!

SEND w4ndeRz to SMM2009!!!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

[ 27102009 1.31am | can't sleep ]

hmm. cyn has gone back.
which means... we'll be having mass msn chat cos she's always online and lonely.
i sense alot of strange developments waiting to happen in the next month.
in fact... some have already started taking place!!!
life just doesnt go the way you expect it to, sometimes.
letting go sometimes isnt about wrongs or rights. its just about shoulds and shouldnts.
i've had many people ask me about why i'm inactive <--- note; its inactive, not QUIT. and perhaps its just something waiting to happen. maybe i'm having an identity crisis!!
i'm furryfish.
i'm a gamer.
i play professionally.
and then? when you strip that away... who am i?

Friday, October 23, 2009

[ 23102009 11.50am | highlighted ]

think its time i posted a list of Thailand highlights.
- gosu street food. and mega cheap.
- cha yen =)~
- duck noodles!
- free lan!
- mass loving fans, superstar treatment... we go BTS (their equivalent of the MRT) got people come up to us to take photos.
- *** getting high and watching porn on handphone, then falling off my bed.
- **** got asked "suck or fuck?" after a massage... AND CHOSE ONE.
- emo people merlioning and emoing
- pocky and milk tea
- exciting stage match ^^
- platinum mall & huai khwang shopping =x
- hotel room card sessions
and the lowlights...
- mass traffic jams... with red light countdown timers set at 300seconds.
- insufficient sleep time
- very hard pillows @@

***
omgosh i forgot to publish this... its like almost a week late.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

[ 22102009 10.01am | mymym interview ]

http://www.mymym.com/en/news/16803.html
excerpt :
What was the funniest thing that occurred at the event? Besides being able to take part in such a huge LAN.
furryfish: Oh yeah.. a drunk person was watching porn on his phone, and fell off the bed. I can tell you that he is from one of the top teams!
w4ndeRz-: Kingsurf's chuan is a mess when he's drunk, ant is single and very available and xy got touched..

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

to my dearest team mates:
it is with great, albeit selfish, consideration that i must announce that wef 21 oct 2009, i am stepping down as active member / team manager of asterisk*, indefinitely.
thank you for the (good) memories and the hard work and committment that you all have put in.
i will continue to lend my admin support as and when requested / required, and should the day come when i wish to battle alongside you all once again, i hope that i will be welcomed back.

-furryfish, out.-

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

PMS | Asterisk* goes to ESTC 2009 (Bangkok, Thailand)

We will be leaving for BKK on Wednesday evening at 7.30pm (Singapore time) for ESTC 2009 in Bangkok, Thailand.
i can't wait to eat, shop and have hotel room action with eliza and dawn!! =x
of course it'll be great to meet up with our thai friends there too.

so anywayyy...

Here are the two promotional posters you can use for your site/forum/blog if you are intending to. But please credit our blog or facebook when you do so. Thanks!

ESTC lineup
kimberlyn // xkimchix

dawn // pinksheep
cynthia // w4nderz
tammy // furryfish
eliza // msjovial
cheryl // sheRica





Monday, October 12, 2009

[ 12102009 5.36pm | GREEN EYES ]

WHY DOESNT THE RAZER SHIRT MAKE ME LOOK LIKE THIS?! WHY WHY WHY?!#$?$%^%^%

[ 12102009 1.51am | +2.5 ]

uncharacteristically bad aura.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

[ 11102009 1.08am | insanely. ]

the past week or two has gone by in a whirlwind.

4 days remain.

sometimes i measure the effort and hard work, and i wonder if it is worth it.

and the disagreements.

i'm really really tired.

i need more sleep.

but.

SLEEP IS A PRIVILLEGE.

and anyway... i'm programmed to not be able to sleep more than 5 hrs in a stretch.

irritating.

i wonder if my aims are too lofty, or if my expectations are too high. (obviously, i don't think so. i'm just second guessing)

however. this is keeping me going. giving up has never been further from my mind.

maybe... somewhere there, i see a REASON not to.

then again, we're all as changeable as the weather.

maybe it'll rain fish tomorrow.

Friday, October 09, 2009

Sunday, September 27, 2009

[ 27092009 5.47pm | girlsandboys ]

i'm female.
so what i'm writing here must be taken in context.
the main difference between guy friends, and gal friends, is that guy friends will never be jealous of you at all.
the difficulty instead, is that your guy friend can fall for you, or vice versa.
if the liking is mutual, then ohhkayy.. glhf. otherwise, you're doomed to a few months of feeling awkward, and potentially losing a good friend.
my girlfriends, are classified into - close, and acquaintances.
with my guy friends, however, they are classified into - close, good and acquaintances
the middle ground "good" is possible because guys don't tend to judge girls as much as girls judge other girls.
the girls who know me... either love me or hate me. i think. there's no in between. and i guess they either have misconceptions about me, or know me for who i am.
in a sense, guys are easy.
as long as you're not a total turn off which instantly sends them running for cover, they tend to be more forgiving when it comes to character and looks. more so than how girls treat other girls, at least.
i guess thats why males are programmed to marry females.
(yes, i DO belive this is the natural order of things. if you disagree, by all means. but i'm not going to go into a debate on this)
i do realise, however, that my close girlfriends last longer than close/good male friends. but close girlfriends are few and far between.
you're more likely to walk down orchard road without seeing a single ah-lian, than to find a close girl friend.

***

happee burfdae cloudia. <-- this one always around to listen to me grumble/whine/emo/go siao etcetc

Friday, September 25, 2009

[ 25092009 4.47pm | AwakenedOne. ]

simply the means to my end?
possibly.
perhaps.
yes.
an instant of clarity and perspective.
its so clear when its laid out like that.
what is NOT clear, is my next step.


***


"what a fine persecution - to be kept intrigued without ever quite being enlightened."

[ 25092009 1.26am | whatever. ]

there's a word that i've been hearing alot lately... its like i have some kind of FATE with it.
the word is... "link". and it has nothing to do with dsd linksysx- aka jon.
link.
a connection... a bond... a tie.
i can't say it is a word i like. in fact, i think its a word i'm starting to dislike.
it carries with it a notion of inevitability, helplessness... something you can't fight.
like a parasitic strangler fig, entwined dearly around its host, an embrace of death.
link.
a knotted string, the loose ends straining... but the knot gets tighter.
; so then... what is worse?
*laughs sardonically.

i reach out and grasp... but all i feel is air.
divided we stand, united we fall.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

[ 23092009 6.30pm | familiar date... ]

this date seems very very familiar... somehow i think its joel's birthday.
oh guess what. it is, i just went to check FB.
LOL.
i'm good.
happy birthday joel Ee!



/needs someone to talk to.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

[ 22092009 11.32pm | testing my patience. ]

/tries to tolerate this.
but is going to snap soon.

Friday, September 18, 2009

[ 18092009 3.55am | MdhtSun ]

"Why won't you leave me alone?"

Believe me, i wanted to say. I've tried

Oh, and also, I'm wretchedly in love with you.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

[ 17092009 8.15pm | hungry ]

LF supper buddy who stays in the EAST. VERY VERY EAST.
i feel like... running out more at night in the evenings... anyone wanna pei me!
i think its cos i've been cooped up in my house for so long. i feel like i'm doing a 1 month confinement. WTF?


***


i am terribly tired. i think i suddenly understand... that you actually DO have guts. and perhaps, i'll respect you a little more cos of that.
+1 to you then.


***


i've realised that enthusiam should not be murdered, because its really hard to ressurect.
and it'll never be in the same form again.
it'll always be a little more tainted.


***

*plucks absentmindedly at the scabs on her surgery wound...

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

U2 - with or without out you lyrics

i finally found a version thats not LIVE. *success!

Monday, September 14, 2009

[ 14092009 1.34am | obligation ]

GRATS DsD!! i'm surprised... but pleasantly so.
jonjon hao shuai !

***

if i sit at home any longer... i think i'm gonna grow roots and sprout leaves. this week promises to be much the same as the last 2 weeks...
but even going to church for a couple of hours leaves me breathless...
i'm down to 40kg, and i think my heart is having a hard time. my blood pressure is a steady 80/50.
argh.
like that how. i need to xiu yang faster.
ameliorate!
*blacks out

maybe i should just request for a blood transfusion to add a couple of pints to my system and get it over with.

***

i havent been writing much. maybe its cos... i simply have nothing left to say. maybe i've said all i needed to. maybe this isnt the right place to say what i want to say.
or maybe i simply have no NEED to share.
lol.
i sound like some confused kid. maybe i AM a confused kid.
creating barriers
losing some options
when i do make a decision, its cos i know that i will stick with it. whether its wrong or right. (and though i can't be with you tonight, you know my heart is by your side... okok i digress into very out of point lyrics that just found their way from my memory to my fingers)
the main thing about decisions are not whether they are wise or not. but whether you're willing to stick to them, come what may.


***
cling to the knowledge that-
the alternative is something you know you cannot live with.
then set your eyes on your chosen path and walk forward alone.
o w n e d .

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

[ 09092009 12.52am | nice date? ]

time for more pictures... changed the dressing today.



this one is with flash.. and from the side. u can see all the little stitches.
ok..so they aren't actually very LITTLE.





this one is from the top without flash. u can see the redness and the uneven-ess.




and this one is with my finger there for comparison.
hao cute worrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr !!

[ willy says it looks like barbed wires... i say... its like ba zhang...
it ties my meat together!!]

Monday, September 07, 2009

[ 07092009 7.45pm | *pricked ]


if only i typed less in my saved drafts, and more in my published posts, i think you'd be more interested in my blog.
anyway, heres a pic of my operationnnnnn *squeaks
it looks cute.
no other adjective will do.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

appendicitis is fun. once the pain goes away. morphine ftw?
been sleeping all day and night post op (op ended at 8pm tuesday) and i can't seem to shut my eyes now.
havent eaten anything at all since 12pm on monday, and i threw it all up anyway.
so... i have a new scar-to-be next to my pelvic bone, an aching hand where the iv drip needle was, and a very painful throat. i dunno how my throat got so painful... dunno what they did to me during GA. the inside of my throat near the little dangly thing is all purple and i have something that looks like a love bite in the middle of my neck. some large woman was pressing me very strongly there to prevent me from throwing up (even tho i WASNT throwing up).
w/e. i've got MC til the 18th sept.
and i'm off painkillers now... cos i don't wanna kill my liver and kidneys. so it kinda aches... -.-
***
its interesting to see the same things happening over and over again... in some.. endless cycle. you, then you... then... you.
me first tho.
always me first.
then things get better for you.
*shrugz.
i had my fun.
and learnt my lessons.
glhf?
***
me is... HAPPY FISH!
i've had too many people telling me i'm (insert translation / synonyns for the word "Crazy") over the last couple of days. [including my MOTHER]
*hops around insanely while clutching her belly with a grimace
and the reason is YOU!!!

Saturday, August 29, 2009

blogger just ate my post.

Monday, August 24, 2009

[ 24082009 1.57am | eeeeweeeeweeeeee ]

been pking alot with a new group of people. LOL its actually quite fun + skype.
and i actually feel a bit more useful, in that i used to not need to even concentrate at all in game, and we'd still win effortlessly, but now what i do actually matters, because the average standard is abit lower. lol...
not that i'm insulting ANY of you. its fun.
esp the kok talking on sky.
LMAO.
FUN!!
***

happyfishmood persists through the weekend, strangely.
good aura's ftw.
but i'm starving now. gg


***
something that came to my mind a while back, but i didnt post.
i'm totally oblivious, its like the gold 90 FM advert where you only hear the good stuff.
everything else patters off me like water bouncing off a duck's feathered back.
maybe without the sound effects.
if you have no idea how water bounces off a duck's back... go find a duck to spray.
alternatively you can turn a hose on an umbrella.
LOL
(i was grinning when i was thinking of this line... i like it even the more when its in black and white!)

***

shacked happy fish.
needs food.
=(
happy birthdae yuannnn!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

untitled.

an exerpt from Crazy Sunday - fitzgerald.

"But you're not going," Stella begged him. "You're going to stay, aren't you?"

"No," he answered. "But I'll be back, if you need me."

Standing on the steps of the house which now hummed and palpitated with the life that flutters around death like protective leaves, he began to sob a little in his throat.

"Everything he touched he did something magical to," he thought. "He even brought that little gamin alive and made her a sort of masterpiece."

And then:

"What a hell of a hole he leaves in this damn wilderness--already!"

And then with a certain bitterness, "Oh, yes, I'll be back--I'll be back!"



***
the idea of loving an imperfect thing, perfectly, until it becomes perfect.
in the entire book of short stories (the one with benjamin button) this is the line which stuck.
the 3rd last sentence of the last short story in the entire book. and i read it months ago.

"if i shower this frog with enough attention and care, maybe it'll turn into a prince"
*croaks

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

"We both just wanted to have a good life and healthy kids. Do I wish we had long, soulful talks? Sure. If I had known then that I needed that, I may have chosen a different kind of person, but I also knew he was a very good man."

My parents didn't demand from each other what we seem to demand today from our relationships. My dad loved sports but didn't insist she be on the golf course handing him his driver. Instead, he taught my sister and brother to play. My mom didn't complain about his lack of conversation; she found other outlets. She had us kids, her friends, and her extended family.

My parents knew it was all right if not every single one of their needs were being met by the other, because commitment to the life they shared and created was a bigger reward than anything else. So what if my dad wasn't clued in on the latest gossip? Or that my mom was perfectly okay never learning to ride a bike or swim?"


***

an article off msn today.
i can't remember the website i copied this and pasted it here before running off from work.
i find this admirable. in a way. the "stick with it no matter what"
this is the "correct" view of marriage then ? not having to share anything but a common goal? because your other half... actually.. ISNT your other half to complement you.. just someone who can WORK and FUNCTION with you.
mildly depressing, if you ask me.
*thinks.

[edits http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articleoprah.aspx?cp-documentid=21166484&page=2 heres the link ]

[ 18082009 2.50am | hmm* ]

sometimes... i wonder.
what do you want, and what do i want.
do you even know what you want.
is what we want worth it.
going round in circles is not a journey.
its a hurricane. very unpleasant... very unstable.
***

its a VERY HAPPY FISH Day.
*insert silly fishgrin
but somehow i keep starving these few days. -.-
i think cos i've finally gotten enough rest, so my body has energy to digest things.
perfect. my life is almost perfect. almost, cos i always believe things can get better than they are. and of course, things can always get worse than they are.
this period of peace is close to uncharted. no fires to fight, no bitchiness to contend with, no politics... no arguments... no petty whatevers.
at least, none that involve me.
or to be a little more pessimistic, none that i know of.
just.
peace.
last... a... long... time... please?

***

insert another sillyfishgrin here.
gnite world~
if only i could dish out some positive emotions to you all too!
i've got lots to share.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

[ 16082009 8.19pm | <3 song ]

please don't say "i love you"
those words touch me much too deeply
and they make my core tremble...
don't think you realise the effect you have over me.
and please don't look at me like that
it just makes me want to make you near me
always.
and when you look in my eyes
please know my heart is in your hands
its nothing that i understand
but when in your arms you have complete power over me...
*

[ 16082009 6.52pm | exposeddd ]

i think my photo taking skills very gosu.
see josie's face ^o^
i'm apparently re-discovering jewel. i love how her voice can sound SO different.
her lyrics are heart wrenching... and she delivers them flawlessly. she's great live!
you can really feel her honest emotion through her singing... i think that's what won over most people.
***

current mood : ^^

***

and i may seem to be writing less... but... actually i'm just publishing less.
i think it prudent to not expose everything i think and feel.
!!!
and... its... 2 am againnnnn

Jewel - I'm Sensitive (Live 2006)

Jewel - Foolish games

Saturday, August 08, 2009

[ 4.40am 08082009 | you still have... all of me. ]

i'm actually surprised at the amount of sleep that i can deal with. or rather... the amount of sleep that i can DO WITHOUT.
i'm not exactly feeling very inspired... which is the WORST time for me to write.
currently listening to : my immortal - evanescence
***

i've been struck with a sudden urge to look at an expanse of large blue ocean... to feel the rocking of a boat as the waves strike it.
the heat of the sun... cooking my hair...
once again, i miss the sensation of rough ropes pulling against my grip..
getting cleated in the most painful places ever...
getting whacked so hard by the boom that you can fly off into the water...
memories and sensations so acute they'll stay with me for a lifetime.

***

i think that most problems are self-created...

***

and there are alot of bad habits i need to get rid of...
like..
sleeping with wet hair...
being overtense
and...thinking too much.
(' ',)

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

[ 04082009 3.50am | eek. ]

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him 'til morning
Without him, I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes and he has found me

In the rain
The pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us

***
i've been listening to lea salonga's version. and her voice is just excellent.
i'm transported back to memories of watching les miserables in london with my family.
even though i was young... this particular musical spoke to me. somehow.
and til today it remains my favourite musical. =D
***

its the fourth of august and there's some decisions i have to make.

***

inexplicable panic attack.

***

mega screwed up dream. @@ suicidal eggs wtf?!

Saturday, August 01, 2009

[ 01082009 5.18am | hmm ]

things i have to do :
pack for sunday
laundry
clean room
be less BM
be more polite
remind myself that i have this list

***

God....I wish that I could be one of those cruel, heartless, self-absorbed people that maintains relationships at the surface...never exposing too much of themselves for fear of revealing or exposing delicate nerves.

I wear my emotions on my proverbial sleeve...it's a shirt that I would never take off...let alone dare to launder. It's weathered, wrinkled, dirty, clean in some spots, and soiled with my blood...sweat...and tears. However, these days it's mostly saturated with my tears....and I wouldn't have it any other way. It feels good to feel...even though it hurts so damn much sometimes!

***

mood = satisfied.
aim = hit level 29 by end aug

***

expect the unexpected.

Friday, July 31, 2009

何維健- 我相信

我相信
第一次凝望你离开我的背影
就盼望立刻能够明天再相聚
不小心梦中让感觉能延续
模糊中你最清晰

** I believe in you
窥探那对迷人深情的眼睛
我的心留给你
我的人在附近
不必立刻做回应

不想爱得輕易
需要让你动情
因为怕妳会离去
想念让人窒息
所以不离不弃
每分钟都要和你亲近.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Backstreet Boys-Straight Through My Heart(Full HQ)

very insomnia-ish.
***
this is a week of old school music. been listening to all the boybands (are they extinct yet?) - westlife!!!!
gosh i used to be a fan.
LMAO.
***
had an excellent, and i really mean Excellent, night of games. josie is actually a hidden talent.
level 1 do a gosu ilu block on the slope and fb rk. LMAOZ.
and merry go rounding like 3-4 rounds some plants with the skele. SCREAMING, may i add, NON STOP on skype the whole time. but die to storm bolt 2 mins after we killed the skele cos he gey kiang stay lane very long with red hp.
it was such a funny night...
LOL then we have ice's darkseer vacuuming things away from me like 3 -4 times as i camp sneakily and aim nicely to cup them with my wards. its like the wards and the vacuum come in at the same time. gg.
so my wards end up 5 miles away from them.
then when his ds wasnt around i nicely cup 2 together.
LOL.
AND A CLOCKWERK oppo who is quite a hooker. lmao...
so farnee...
people bad mood play also play until good mood.
the power of josiefish tok kok teamwork.
share the joy man!!!


Monday, July 27, 2009

[ 27072009 4.50pm | eeeeeeeemo song. ]

old school emo ftw. *sound of heart shattering

***
Put on my coat in the pouring rain
I saw a movie it just wasn't the same
'Cause it was happy and I was sad
It made me miss you oh so bad 'cause
Dreams last for so long
Even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.
-
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight 'cause
Dreams last for so long
Even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon I know you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you

***

oh, here's an interesting article about playing hard to get.
i got it off msn today...
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlemcmatch.aspx?cp-documentid=20548308&gt1=32023

***

current mood : happy!
the office aunty gave me a very gosu bun. its really large... almost as large as an exactmat, and its got this burnt coffee kinda crust, and its sprinkled with pumpkin seeds.
its got some apple strudel-ly filling too.
she gave me half... she thinks i'm too skinny... and that i should eat more, especially in the mornings, so she gives me food and lots of nagging.
iono about you... but i kinda feel uneasy when people are nice to me.
maybe i've been abused to the extent that i find it weird when people are vaguely nice
so anyway... it was supposed to be BREAKFAST but i just finished it. yes its 5pm.
and and and
my mother decided that she's had enough of seeing me use plastic bottles (i was using a nalgene)
so last night when i filled up my nalgene and put it on the table then went to bathe, i came back to find this... heavy duty red stainless steel bottle in its place for me to take to my room.
eeeeek
its large and clanky.
OHH
and on sunday, my parents actually let me take the car out to see my grandma myself from church and go home myself.
those who don't know ME and my PARENTS and how my DAD feels about the CAR, well, you'd think its nothing much.
BUT if know just 50% of everything... THEN you'd be going "WOW" right now...
BECAUSE its the first time they let me take the car MYSELF - other than picking them up from the airport / sending them to the airport / sending my dad to the mrt when my mum doesnt want to at 6am.
it might be because my dad has my aunt's car with him now to use... so he CAN afford to let me take his baobei.
BUT STILL.
iono why its so exciting... but its exciting anyway. maybe cos mood now = happy.
***
eeks i just pasted over what i wrote...
anyway... i was saying that i needa retune by body clock before i DIE some kinda horrible death.
i think working late for the last 2-3 weeks... like 3-4-5-am kind has kinda screwed up my body clock.
ARGH.
its SO TOUGH to retune !!!
OHHKAYY
enough of words.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

[ 260709 2.48am | blogger is ohhkayy! ]

yay... my normal new post screen is BACK.
which means i can add in a title.
***
had a decent training day. very... time effective... game after game, with no waiting at all.
ahahaha...
and i decided to play a pub... with sf. when i got to a com i thot... aiya... just random... and i got sf.
meant to beeee~
***
you know how... alcoholics need alcohol... and smokers need ciggs... and drug addicts need drugs...
and how maomaoyu needs maomaochongs... (k out of point)
well teens need emo the same way.
lol
at least, thats what i've come to BELIEVE of not just SOME, but MOST teens.
***
its a downward spiral falling into you.
people seem to like whats bad for them.
~

Friday, July 24, 2009

oh dear... blogger still looks abit... wrong. maybe its IE. but i don't have firefox here.
i needa write. again.

"That will do to explain my secret, as well as the other. I've no more business to marry Edgar Linton than I have to be in heaven; and if the wicked man in there, had not brought Heathcliff so low I shouldn't have thought of it. It would degrade me to marry Heathcliff now; so he shall never know how I love him; and that, not because he's handsome, Nelly, but because he's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same, and Linton's is as different as a moonbeam from lightning, or frost from fire."


***
beautifully phrased.
so succinct.
makes me weep.

***
it was a meow meow day yesterday with sora. =)
actually he doesnt say anything much... he just looks for food and darts away when you reach out to him.
josie's excited humping (oops i mean jumping... h and j are too close together) on dawn's bed made it produce very audible, alarming creaks.
***

i have a settled heart.
perfection does exist, even though i'm as undeserving as any other mortal.

***
laliang day ftw tomorrow....!
devi cloud jos. anymore?
***

and... wb into my life. =)
surrendered to the link that can't be broken.
can i say i'll always be there for you?
possibly.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

I remember the days we spent together
were not enough
and it used to feel like dreamin'
except we always woke up
Never thought not having you
here now would hurt so much

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

in the 6 years i've kept my blog.. i've only written about 570 entries.
which is actually, very few... perhaps 100 a year? which translates to 1 every 4 days or so?
blogger looks a little weird now... i think there's some bug. but oh well. i'll just write and see if it happens.
***
its been a night of bming. lol... everywhere i go there's bming. good thing i'm such a polite fish and in a wacky mood.
i do intend to have an angsty, angry, lc ppl upside down day. in a room where i'm not blue of course. which probably means i'm gonna be in my smurf.
there are some days... like today, that i wonder whether i should be taking Lamictal because the symptoms of bipolar disorder seem to fit me so very well.
actually, it seems to fit most of my life very well. and if it affects 1 in 45 people, then well... its quite common actually!
if moods could be passed on by osmosis or something... that would be cool.
sometimes i do wish that someone else could just touch me and read my mind... or read my mood. and feel exactly what i'm feeling.
where is this need to be understood coming from?

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

[ 21072009 2.01am | empty ]

hime likes to not look at the camera. =)

i think we waiting chao ji long lo. so long that we started cam-whoring.
u can tell that jos is a ladies man.
HAHA.



***






plagued by empty conversations and imagined relations.
reality is subjective.

if you're going to hell, why drag me with you?

Monday, July 20, 2009

[ 20072009 6.10pm | songgg ]

and somehow... certain lyrics are grabbing me today, and infesting my mind.
the current line that's multiplying in my head is from this song by dream theatre...
-
Once the stone
You're crawling under
Is lifted off your shoulders
Once the cloud that's raining
Over your head disappears
The noise that you'll hear
Is the crashing down of hollow years

She's not the kind of girl
You hear about
She'll never want another
She'll never be without
She'll give you all the signs
She'll tell you everything
Then turn around and walk away

-
i never really remembered the following stanza... but now that i've taken a look at it... its nice.
it says so much in so few words.
the abruptness of the sentence structure only reinforces the last line.
-

i think
there are a few things which i need to fix.
starting with myself.
i'm quite screwed up as a person. (there's not even an "i think" here)
*now another set of lyrics just popped into my head... AND ANOTHER.
indecent obsession
and
vertical horizon.

***
/needs long solo walk.
or at least... a quiet walk.
side by side...
matching paces.
stealthy glances
and accidental touches.
ruffling out hair
into the breeze...
downcast eyes
folded hands
hiding behind the wall of black.
***
dunno wat i talking alr.

[ 20072009 12.21pm | . ]

against my better judgement. =)

[ 20072009 3.37am | presence. ]

and... its always there.
under whatever is happening, whatever i'm thinking... whatever i'm feeling.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

[ 19072009 5.21am | cant remember what time i started...]

i can't sit around, i can't let it win now.
just so you know...
***
这种感觉从来不曾有
左右每天思绪 每一次呼吸
心被占据 却苦无医
是你让我着了迷
给了甜蜜又保持距离
而你潇洒来去 玩爱情游戏
我一天天失去勇气 偏偏难了难忘记
单单为你心有独钟 因为爱过才知情多浓
浓得发痛在心中 痛全是感动
我是真的真的与众不同
真正为你心有独钟 因为有你世界变不同
笑我太傻太懵懂 或爱得在太重
只能相信我自己 能永远对你心独钟

***

someone... PLEASE get this song out of my head before i GO NUTS.

it just SUDDENLY popped into my head and refuses to vanish.

get out get out!!!

*it reminds me of... o levels... and studying with denyse over at my place...

almost 10 years ago...

*muses...

***
and...
well...
why do i write.
i write because i lack any other avenue to channel out all THIS.
i write, to fill a void.
i write... because i think better in wrtiting than speaking.
i write... because i can be obscure
and in my obscurity i manage to achieve my goals, which is to relieve... certain... pressures.
i write for the same reason why some people whine, and the reason why some people go for runs.
i need.
i really need.
why do i put it online? why do i not lock it?
because i believe its obscure enough for you to never know what i'm talking about. it might look so glaringly obvious... but actually... its no where near what you think.
and the reader... will never guess at the emotions going through the words.
and anyway... its really not like i'm some PERSONALITY or something. i'm just a... not so normal person - but a person who is just one of the many faces you see everyday.
i write... because i need. i really need. someone to listen.
someone. not anyone.
***
i realise that above all things, i require emotional support.
i can do... many things by physical and mental strength alone. but without emotional support... i'm as good as a castle on quicksand.
then again, i actually can't figure out if i'm weak or strong, or just... stubborn.
i'm very very sapped though.
steadily drained... for... years?
***
i just remembered this poem which i saw at anchorage; alaska.
it was on a box of... straws? in a cafe.



How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

-- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

if i may... take this out of context... it makes a very good line.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
***

its been an amazing night. once again.
amazing because
my mood swings are on a rollercoaster ride.
i've gone from suicidal to giggling like a... like a i have no idea what.
to being rather... depressed? emo?
very amused.
angry as well.
happy too.
and a whole lot of other things which i will not elaborate on.
oh... and really needing to bm someone. anyone who happens to cross my path.
someone... please cross my path so i can bm you.
i've no respect for you, i'm so 'sorry' but its not working.
i'm also rather determined to be THE better person.
selectively, of course.
***
you'll know it when i like you, and you'll know it when i can't stand you.
to those i have no opinion on, you'll only see what i wanna show you!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

the creepy subconscious.

and i can't explain why my heart just went totally
cold.
dead.
i didnt realise it... but it was the only thing left alive in me at that point in time.
it was beating... rather furiously... up to that point.
then... it just went silent.
and resumed a hollow... deliberate beat.
very hollow.
and very deliberate.
and very, very final.
like steps towards the gallows.
something that i didnt even know existed, died.
when i thought there was nothing left to kill, something more died.
-rip the rest bloody and senseless with my bare hands... cease to exist!-
:)
i get the best inspiration when my conscious brain is dead tired.
i think it allows my subconscious to come to the fore and take control for a while.
(which makes me ask myself... WHAT scary stuff is in my subconscious...? )
it might be interesting to write a book with each page just a paragraph like the one on top.
small snippets which pack a punch.
i feel... marilyn manson-ish~
***
OH! OH! i just remembered another bit of inspiration which struck me a while back.
let me get it out before i forget.
***
pinched between fingers on two corners...
hardly an expanse of white
little furry fibres, all bound together into a neat square.
pulling slowly... each pair of fingers in a different direction...
sometimes jerkily..
the tissue tears with a delicious sound, giving way under the opposing directions...
the wound is surprisingly straight.
but the edges are... ragged...

=\ song from leyawn.

nothing feels right when im not with you,
sick of this dress and these Jimmy Choos.
taking them off cause i feel a fool,
trying to dress up when im missing you.
ima step out of this lingerie,
curl up in a ball with something Hanes.
in bed i lay.
hey hey, nothing feels right when im not with you.
sick of this dress and these Jimmy Choos.
taking them off cause i feel a fool, trying to dress up when im mising you.(cause i miss you)
ima step out of this lingerie, curl up in a ball with something Hanes.
in bed i lay,(i would be in bed)
with nothing but your T-shirt on.
said i got nothing but your T-shirt on.
(cause i want to be close to you),
with nothing but your T-shirt on.
i remember when,
you would like to see me,
with nothing but your T-shirt on.

[ 2.53am 16072009 | the week? ]

(interesting fact #1 about the author - she gets really chatty and crazy when she's tired out. the more tired, the more crazy she gets
interesting fact #2 - she likes to talk to herself, especially when she's sleepy.)
err... its thursday? wow?
thats amazing. the last i knew, it was sunday and i was rushing out some work from home.
then i had 24 full hours of migraine due to my overstressed teeth grinding exercise when i took a nap without my NTI (thats like... a retainer of sorts... )
and it was a *concuss* kinda nap.
then... i actually can't remember what happened on tuesday...
OH i went home and chionged 8 games of dota. that was good. even though i'm beyond nerdlike.
and now... well... now i'm trying to clear my head before i leave the office, go home stone and try to sleep.
i have to remember to take my cab receipts.
i think i've forgotten 2 or three already.
-.-
the good part is, i get to claim day offs after this hellish period is over.
ahhhhhhhh in the distant ... monthhhhhh i seeee....
i see nothing... cos my brain is too fried.
anyhow. i may sound rather articulate here, writing, but i could almost swear that if you walked up to me now, IRL and asked me any question, i'd stammer out my answer to you like a kid infront of a principal.
i did that to my boss... and someone else in the office today. they asked me a question and i stared blankly back at them, THEN proceeded to stammer something unintelligible, which left them frowning and wondering about my mental state.
this hasnt happened to me in years... not since JC when i was mugging 14 hr days.
gosh. the brain stress.
its feels... good though.
like... how you'd feel after sprinting 2.4km.
in pain, but... good.
i would call a cab... but i'm scared i forget the receipt... and i don't really know how to / am too lazy to.
***
okok... yak yak yak.
how interesting can i get.
i've gotten a song today from the best song provider ever - leyawn.
he not only gives me the songs i WANT, he insists i have a new song a day (wtf?), based totally on his recommendation.
its like so exciting. its like having a blind date every mealtime.
(ok... blinddates DON'T sound exciting, to me at least... i'll never know what pushes YOUR buttons... but you get the picture... meeting something/someone and totally not being able to expect/pre-empt anything.)
so... today's was good. =D
as it usually is.
~
you warned me that you were gonna leave
i never thought you would really go
i was blind
but baby now i see
i broke your heart
but now i know...
that i was being such a fool
and i didnt deserve you
i don't wanna fall asleep
cos i don't know if i'll get up
and i don't want to cause a scene
but i'm dying without your love
i'm beggin' to hear your voice
tell me you love me too
cos i'd rather just be alone
if i know that i can't have you...
~
just to spam a few more trivialities...
i have a theory on backstabbing.
its called backstabbing, if you cannot repeat what you said to the person you were talking about.
and also if its discussed with some sort of ill-feeling, malice... yeah.
of course i'm guilty of that.
but usually i'm thick skinned enough to repeat things in front of the person.
***
and people on the tagboard... you all made my day man...
=D
*yeah yeah i know i sound kinda pathetic saying this.
maybe my brain has rewired itself... so that i find the most banal things amusing.
i guess it comes with staring at grey cubicle walls and monitors for ... 15 hours.
wtf.
k bye.
I AM A GOSU FISH AH!!!!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

the disjointed don't even try to decipher what i'm thinking cos you'll definitely get it wrong post.

screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
its 2 am and i'm cursing your name.
you were so in love
that you acted insane
and thats the way i loved you.
~
taylor swift.
amazing young lady.

***
its been a while... a long while...
since i had 7 consecutive games. ahhh.
bliss.
laliang @ ECP cloudia?
hope it rains.
and...
with tea so sweet it'll hurt my throat.
luke warm please.

***

its amazing how much i can accept, and how much i can live with, that i never thought i could.
of course there are some lines that i still cannot bring myself to cross.
scarred for life?
check.

but from well... perhaps... 2 cm... its 2 m.
and thats a BIG jump.
sustainable?
hope so.



***

it helps it helps it helps!!!
180 degrees please, and north from south.
pluck... pull... dig... claw it out.
it helps that i'm not angry.
cos anger tells me you mean something.
keep it keep it...
lock it, drown it, burn it.
fade... fade...
evanesce...

smile*

***

thank you* for being there... when there's no one else left for me...
when i'm in my darkest, most suicidal, and well... simply plain upset mood.
"it may take some time to patch me up inside"
there are... i guess... some memories i'd rather not have.
the eternal sunshine of a spotless mind~*

Monday, July 13, 2009

[ 13072009 2.37pm | fking 11ths ]

there's nothing i want more to do today than to have remembered its not the fking 11th of july.
it is the fking 13th of july.
but because, for some fking inexplicable fking reason, i get out of bed totally fking convinced its the 11th.
and ta dah... i renamed my file to the 11th july effecti-fk-ing-ly overwriting my work which i actually did do on the fking 11th which was friday... and not to-fking-day into a pile of fking blank sheets.
YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
=)

Sunday, July 12, 2009

[ 12072009 3.57am | forever and... never. ]

and he's the one who broke her heart, so totally, that no other pain she experienced after that ever had much effect anymore.
sure, she loved again.
but it was never the same...
never with the same innocence and purity.
she still looks at the ring he gave her.
in fact, she wears it round her neck on a chain.
she likes the feel of it against her skin, under her shirt.
the reminder of promises that had once upon a time.....
how a look from him had her blushing so...
when all sensation left her, save for her fingertips, when he held her hand...
his lashes, light and ticklish under her lips...
-
the shattering of sensations as darkness closed in around her when he turned and didnt look back.
-
what she won't ever know
is that he wears her ring too...
round his neck, on a chain
where he can feel it next to his heart.

***

under an inspiration-attack again.
or is it NOT?!
either way you're welcome to check my neck for a chain. just ask first please... i don't appreciate being molested without warning.
(even with warning, you're liable to be mauled...)

***

T2 was hilarious. i think i pissed the theatre off with laughing. i know jos was mega(tronly) embarrassed to be next to me. LOL!
its not my fault that everyone else is so slow they don't get the joke until after the scene is over~
haaaaaaa
peaceful night pleasee please pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeee
*practically begs.

Friday, July 10, 2009

[ 10072009 10.30pm | 3/4 deadfish ]

VERY selected WCG 09 photos... i think my hair colour looks quite delicious. of course, as always, you're welcome to disagree.

Donald and i

xuesha, me, jaczie, michelle
***

but still refusing to sleep.
last night, or rather, morning, was a dreamless morning.
is this the start of my nocturnal peace...
***
currently have a few songs stuck in my head.
and some weird questions...
***
i am ... soda water-
an efferverscent drink
untamed energy
with a tangy flavour.
-goodness... don't ask me what recess those weird lines came out from-
its the i'm sleepy, i have many weird things going through my mind and i shall randomly jot them down mode.
a mode i seem to be in very frequently.
parents are back in the morning.
training tomorrow.
jos and eliz after.
ménage à trois
***
and the mornings are the worst.
definitely.
partial consciousness and the momentary euphoria it brings,
freezes into a solid lump somewhere in my ribcage,
as reality desaturates my elation into a medley of greyscales...
and the weight sinks deeper...
and lower...
fastening my ankles to the ground
as they clank solidly into place.

[ 10072009 4.32am | tiredfishday* ]

been putting alot of hours into work recently...
i'm still at the office.
maybe i'm just inefficient. ^^
anyhow, i'm finding it rewarding, albeit tiring.
and i've still got tons of stuff to do.
i'm growing happier... steadilly happier... with myself, and my aims. and... my life.
and what i'm doing.
and i've realised... i can actually close an eye to many many things... actually... i can close alot of eyes. pity i only have 2 to close, my tolerance level is THAT high.
maybe that means i'm growing up! (or older, however you wish to see it, neither offends me)
what i DO miss however, is reading... a very good book.
and hanging out with friends.
(sat yeah josie! eliza??)
and maybe... just doing... nothing... but pondering... in a tranquil location... at night... where there's a body of water...
preferably... in the rain... with a jacket.
and a teh so sweet it'll hurt my throat to drink it.
=)
ahh... simple pleasures of LIFE. time to fulfill them.
*happylittle(sleepy)fishie

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

[ 080709 12pm | asterisk*blog! ]

i think i've become a fan of Kate Voegele.
all hua's fault. this is the current song that i'm mass listening to
its called : Unfair.

The city sleeps
So silently
I wish I could say the same for me
But I've got this dead ended street
To keep searching
For a tunnel underneath the bitter truth
Or a bridge invisible I won't fall through

And I don't know how much I can keep
Letting you unravel me
'Cause the more you learn the more we share
We were worlds apart and you see
It was so much easier to be
'Cause now I know what we can't have and it's so unfair

I never meant
Most of those pretty words I said
But I wanted you to think I did
'Cause telling you all this makes no difference
It's useless
'Cause those who get to know our hearts the most
They always seem to be the ones we'll never hold

Can't you see it's destroying me?
I can't stand the closeness
But don't you dare go avoiding me
It kills me and yet it keeps me going

***

eh... my blog might sound scary and emo, but i'm actually feeling quite normal.
it just so happens that i'm currently partial to her more depressed sounding songs.
and other than currently having a splitting headache as a result of my own stupidity i couldnt be better!
this week is probably gonna do me in as i chiong material for upcoming meetings.
i think i'm gonna become closely acquainted with the after-hours office crowd, who/what ever it/they may be.

***

Eliza has taken up residence on our Asterisk* blog as our 6th and event photographer =).
and she's embarrassing us all with our most unglam pictures and darkest secrets.
so... i advise you to quickly take a look before i decide to remove her posts to prevent myself from possibly dying of shame.

Sunday, July 05, 2009

i had alot of dreams last night...
one that made me wake up sobbing... again
and another that left me waking initially happy, then empty.
and another that stressed me into consciousness.
had a good long rest though.
much needed.

Saturday, July 04, 2009

sleepytiredfisheh.
*collapses and starts blabbering nonsense out of sheer exhaustion.
TGX 09 - the year of upsets.
and... eliza + josie = lurrrrbeee

***
its so interesting... that gaming started it,
and gaming shall also be the end of it.
totally.

***
very many sleepy thoughts. i seem to see new connections that didnt seem to exist prior to the sleepy-state.
and i think...
its becoming... clear... to me.

***
it ain't right to just love me when you can
I wont wait patiently
or wake up everyday
just hoping that you'll still care

***

its the shot through your chest...
you literally feel your heart pause.
the sensation leaves you instantly cold
you feel the shot radiate up and down your back as it exits.
it leaves you devoid of feeling, and you hear a ringing in your ears...
-
emotional stress really makes your heart hurt physically.
it causes irregular heart rates, and your heart will retain water.
i presume its the water retention that causes the pain.

***

when you start blabbering nonsense cos you're sleepy, the best thing to do its just shut up.
unfortunately, thats easier said than done.
*ahhhhh im so tired.

Friday, July 03, 2009

NEW! Kate Voegele - Forever and Almost Always with lyrics/download

so the story goes on down
the less traveled road
Its a variation on
the one I was told
and although its not the same
its awful close, yeah

in an ordinary fairy tale land
theres a promise of a perfect happy end
and I imagine having just short of that
is better than nothing

so youll be mine
forever and almost always
and Ill be fine
just love me when you can
and Ill wait patiently
Ill wake up every day
just hoping that you still care

in the corner of my mind I know too well
oh that surely even I deserve the best
but instead of leaving
I just put the issue to bed
and outta my head

oh and just when I believe
youve changed for good
well you go and prove me wrong
just like I knew you would
when I run out of second chances
you give me that look
and youre off the hook

because youre mine
forever and almost always
and Im fine
just love me when you can
and Ill wait patiently
Ill wake up every day
just hoping that you still care

oh, what am I still doing here?
oh, its all becoming so clear

youll be mine
forever and almost always
it aint right to just love me when you can
I wont wait patiently
or wake up everyday
just hoping that youll still care

forever and almost always
no it aint right
to just love me when you can, baby
aint gonna wait patiently
I wont wake up everyday
just hoping that you still care

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Kate Voegele - You Can't Break A Broken Heart

no damage you can do now i’m immune to you now