[ 19072009 5.21am | cant remember what time i started...]

i can't sit around, i can't let it win now.
just so you know...
***
这种感觉从来不曾有
左右每天思绪 每一次呼吸
心被占据 却苦无医
是你让我着了迷
给了甜蜜又保持距离
而你潇洒来去 玩爱情游戏
我一天天失去勇气 偏偏难了难忘记
单单为你心有独钟 因为爱过才知情多浓
浓得发痛在心中 痛全是感动
我是真的真的与众不同
真正为你心有独钟 因为有你世界变不同
笑我太傻太懵懂 或爱得在太重
只能相信我自己 能永远对你心独钟

***

someone... PLEASE get this song out of my head before i GO NUTS.

it just SUDDENLY popped into my head and refuses to vanish.

get out get out!!!

*it reminds me of... o levels... and studying with denyse over at my place...

almost 10 years ago...

*muses...

***

and...
well...
why do i write.
i write because i lack any other avenue to channel out all THIS.
i write, to fill a void.
i write... because i think better in wrtiting than speaking.
i write... because i can be obscure
and in my obscurity i manage to achieve my goals, which is to relieve... certain... pressures.
i write for the same reason why some people whine, and the reason why some people go for runs.
i need.
i really need.
why do i put it online? why do i not lock it?
because i believe its obscure enough for you to never know what i'm talking about. it might look so glaringly obvious... but actually... its no where near what you think.
and the reader... will never guess at the emotions going through the words.
and anyway... its really not like i'm some PERSONALITY or something. i'm just a... not so normal person - but a person who is just one of the many faces you see everyday.
i write... because i need. i really need. someone to listen.
someone. not anyone.
***
i realise that above all things, i require emotional support.
i can do... many things by physical and mental strength alone. but without emotional support... i'm as good as a castle on quicksand.
then again, i actually can't figure out if i'm weak or strong, or just... stubborn.
i'm very very sapped though.
steadily drained... for... years?
***
i just remembered this poem which i saw at anchorage; alaska.
it was on a box of... straws? in a cafe.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

-- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

if i may... take this out of context... it makes a very good line.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
***

its been an amazing night. once again.
amazing because
my mood swings are on a rollercoaster ride.
i've gone from suicidal to giggling like a... like a i have no idea what.
to being rather... depressed? emo?
very amused.
angry as well.
happy too.
and a whole lot of other things which i will not elaborate on.
oh... and really needing to bm someone. anyone who happens to cross my path.
someone... please cross my path so i can bm you.
i've no respect for you, i'm so 'sorry' but its not working.
i'm also rather determined to be THE better person.
selectively, of course.
***
you'll know it when i like you, and you'll know it when i can't stand you.
to those i have no opinion on, you'll only see what i wanna show you!